Journey of Hope
By Katherine Mortimer
April 8, 2005

Grace Wulff didn't set out to be an expert on grief. But when her husband of 19 years died, she began the long and often lonely journey through grief that has ultimately led to the publication of her first book, A Journey of Hope.

"It was a labour of love and something I've wanted to do for a long time," said Wulff, whose first husband, Andrew Lacoursiere, succumbed to cancer in 1995. "It's my story but I hope it will encourage others to tell their story."

The Vernon writer paints an intimate portrait, from her grandmother's grief at the loss of her young husband and child, through her first husband's grief at the death of his parents, and finally through Wulff's own story of grief when, as a young widow with three children, she found hope and learned from others who inspired her along the way.

"I wanted to share my grandmother's story, and Andy's story was one worth telling because of his own unresolved grief at the loss of his parents when he was only 15," said Wulff.

A Journey of Hope takes the reader through Wulff's own story of grief, with each chapter beginning with a favourite quotation or Scripture verse.

For Wulff, whose father is a retired pastor, her faith in God has sustained her throughout her life, beginning in childhood.
"My faith helped me enormously and God was faithful to me through that time.

"Whenever you lose someone, you have a faith crisis - you either run to God or you run away from God, and I wanted to run to God honestly. I never lost my faith, but I certainly questioned God why this had to happen."

Wulff writes of the overwhelming power of grief to permeate every aspect of her life, but she hopes her own story can offer strength, support and hope to others on the same journey.

"Those who have grieved will understand the feelings of despair and the wondering if there will ever be an end to sadness," writes Wulff in the book. "There was a point where I truly believed that I would never be happy again. Our friends watch and care, and become discouraged with our seeming lack of progress."

In speaking with other widows, Wulff confirmed that the first anniversary of a loved one's death brings another crisis.
"There is an unspoken feeling that a year is enough. Friends expect us to move on. But the approach of the anniversary brings a fresh load of grief that is overwhelming. You feel that you are losing ground so carefully gained."

In 1998, with the help of others, Wulff founded New Hope for Widow/ers and their Families, a support group which offers a drop-in centre, annual retreat and Web site.

"When I've spoken at our retreats, I have often spoken of the people that have inspired me, and I would tell my grandma's story and then Andrew's story. There is impact there and his grief made me really compassionate for those who struggle with grief.

"God showed me I had a purpose in my life. I never dreamed when New Hope started that it would grow so much. I've learned so much."
For people who are grieving, there are support groups and there are books to read, yet Wulff said most people have no idea how to handle another's grief.

"We avoid it like the plague. There's an incredible avoidance, and people don't know what to say to someone who is grieving.
"It's hurtful when people avoid the subject, yet people can say the wrong things, too."

Grief is a personal journey, Wulff said, with no right or wrong way to grieve. And for a parent who is grieving, there is the added element of caring for children, who are also experiencing their own terrible loss.
"The tough part in writing the book was reliving Andrew's death, the sadness and the pain it caused my children, and I have always ached for that, so it was tough reliving some of that grief."

There is no easy route to take through grief. You get through it one day at a time, said Wulff, sometimes one hour at a time.

"I always tell people to find a trusted friend you can pour it all out to, because your kids can't handle that. You encourage your children to grieve, but you protect them, although I certainly didn't do it perfectly."
Wulff said what friends and family can do for someone who is grieving is to just be there for them, to not give up, to have patience. Grief is a slow process that won't be rushed.
"You have to give grief time, I've heard this over and over, 'People expect me to be over it.' A significant loss takes up to two years, and then people learn to live with the reality, and move on."

While Andrew will always occupy a special place in her heart, Wulff has moved on to what she calls the next chapter of her life. Her own journey of hope led her to a second and loving marriage with Stephen. Their blended family includes five grown children, and Wulff's parents also live in Vernon.
"I'm madly in love with him. We have a wonderful marriage that is truly a gift.
"Steve is incredibly supportive - my grief is part of who I am and what I do. I'm not grieving anymore, but he's honoured me and been supportive of me."

Writing has been a part of Wulff's life for many years, beginning with an opinion piece she wrote for Seventeen magazine while still in her teens. When her children were growing up, she wrote a column, Thots for Moms, for her community newspaper, The Hope Standard.
She began A Journey of Hope last fall, when she was at home recovering from mononucleosis.

"I figured I had to use this time profitably, so I wrote a little every day, and it was something I could do. My story is one that I felt very compelled to tell and hopefully it will encourage others."
The book has been a collaborative process for Wulff, with her son, Steven, designing and formatting the book, and her father, Jake Friesen, called in to proofread and edit the manuscript.

"My son has been incredibly supportive, and it's been a wonderful project to do with him. My parents are incredibly supportive, too."
Wulff, who works at Emmanuel Baptist Church, said her own grief has taught her to never take life for granted, cherishing her husband, her family and every moment.

She has experienced her own health scares in the past couple of years, and continues to draw strength from her faith, turning often to a favourite verse: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)

A Journey of Hope, published by Yellow Rose Publishing, is available online at www.gracewulff.com and in Vernon at Bookland, Coles and Splendour Christian Marketplace.

Reprinted with permission from the Vernon Morning Star.